Tefillah and your "self"

For the following idea I will leave out Rabbi's names I heard concepts from as to not damage them if this idea is entirely incorrect. I make that statement as the following idea could be 100% wrong, it is simply an idea I am thinking about, and hopefully I dont ruin that by writing it.

Okay, a little kosher preliminary before the idea:


How can prayer influence G-d if he knows what I will say, why say it? Better then that, if G-d knows everything, how can praying change his MIND!?!

"Prayer lives in paradox". Pallel (the root of prayer) is a paradoxical word. Jacob says (Bereshit 48:11) Roeh Panecha lo Peelalti => "I never imagined to ever see your face again". The root here means that it is an un-imaginable situation that could never be. And yet Pleelah (same root) is used in (shemos 21:22) "ve'natan be'plilim"=> "He shall pay by the order of the Judges". It is an ENTIRELY logical outcome of law. A paradoxical word even.

The key to prayer is to know that one's wants (that one expresses in shemonei esrei as desires to be increased) are supposed to be changed. Hashem helps you of course...how? Well, as pointed out, Ratzon (want) has the gematria equivalent to Makor (source). This is because one's "wants" or "actions" are simply a "cause and effect" from one's source (their neshema and Hashem). When one changes their neshema that is the main way one can change their actions and wants/desires. That is why one doesn't change G-d's mind and NEEDS to ask, as the asking changes your "self" (your neshema) and your not the same person after as you were before. After prayer you may merit that messiah as you deserve it and can use the situation/change properly. G-d ALWAYS wants to give the moshiach (or any other tool that helps you), you just must make sure to use it properly. Now, how do you change your source? You cant pull yourself up by your own hair...that is where the miracle occurs that G-d stretches you.

Now that the known and Kosher preliminaries are done...here is my idea:

That one cannot change one's self when they are fulfilling the actions that come from that source. The want (ratzon) is directly attached to the Makor (source). How can you change the source (your neshema) when your ACTING on the wants of that source? In fact its chutzpah to ask for G-d to change your neshema to have better will and desire (Ratzon) when your acting in that way that VERY moment! Hashem could change your source, but you haven't earned it yet as your still acting that way. You don't have to act HIGHER (that's why you need G-d), but you must at least refrain from acting in the lower manner while asking G-d for help. Not only is one not supposed to do actions because one can lose kavannah but they may come to err in this arena by doing the will when asking for a source change from your neshema.
In fact, a little proof (I heard, which i want to apply here), the midrash says when Moshe prayed for the sea to split that G-d tells him, Moshe now isn't the time for prayer, if you stop I will answer. G-d doesn't interrupt the prayer of tzaddikim! Why? Well, prayer acts on the Neshema to better one's self, precisely what Hashem wants! In Yevamos 64a it says, G-d "lusts"/desires for the prayers of the righteous. Any physicality which can be elevated spirituality we are told runs to the tzaddik because he knows how to elevate and maximize it. Why can G-d only not interrupt the Tzaddik's prayer? Yes his prayer is very high, but a horrible man, could elevate him 10 times more in prayer then a tzaddik and Hashem could still answer him and interrupt (from what we see here). Of course, the Tzaddik who's will is ran to by the world by praying is changing his source and therefore the world can't be "running" to his will (and Hashem cant force the world as its part of his will (Ratzon)) because one cannot change that source when the will is being actualized. They are linked.


Now a great question that comes from this is the following: How can one then pray for better prayers. He is PRAYING (the will/ratzon) while asking to change the source of the prayer (makor). This is entirely paradoxical. So as we said earlier prayer lives in paradox and hidden miracles...or the following answer will help:
You never ask for the source to be changed when the will is being actualized...as one can see in shemonei esrei:

Specifically in Shema Koleinu, asking for G-d to accept our prayers (The following explanations of words are in this bracha (blessing)). But "kol" as we see with Avraham and Sarah, where Avraham must listen to Sarah's "kol" is explained as her prophetic voice. We are not talking about physicality thats being actualized...were talking about something spiritual that is just "slightly" in the world. The Ramban (I think) says that a prophecy was a miracle and that you didnt hear it, but uses the word of experiencing, since the people would experience the phenomenon when the prophet would tell the world (not just hear it).

I can say the following...The vlina gaon on "Chus ve'Rachum" says, chus refers to the fact that it is the handi-work of G-d. I think this means hashem helped us last time to alter our "self" to get to this level of prayer, and it is G-d who brought us here and thus one's handiwork would want it to continue. The vilna Gaon on "Rachum" says that we are pathetically helpess, which I think makes sense as how can we be praying for a change in our prayer? How can that source be changed by the will?

Finally, I want to note to sayings in this bracha. "Ve'kibel be'rachamim oo'be'ratzon eit tefiloteinu" => "And accept in pitty and in "ratzon" our prayer". WE clearly state that we are asking for G-d to accept this prayer in pitty and in its state of "actualization". The source we are asking to change is being asked to be changed in pitty (as we dont deserve it) and the way we ask to change the source is in its actualization (and his will, is manifested here to change our level of prayer), right after this it says "Tefillot ve'tachnunim". Now, Rashi says on "Tefillot ve'tachnunim" that it means we dont deserve it, "an un-earned gift"...and surely this source being changed by its own actualization is unearned! It is like a person who is given a crown and says since i have the shiniest crown...i want a treasure now too. How can prayer be asking for better prayer? A gift of one treasure cant be the reason for another gift...that is the very meaning of un-earned.

We have analyzed shema be'koleinu quite deeply...and I hope the above truly is a kosher idea if it is not I completely understand and accept that. But, I want to be clear, although we have seen in shema be'koleinu that this paradox exists and we are trying to ask for assistance EVEN in the paradox...I still do not see the answer as to how one can do that. Perhaps this is why this bracha is left near the end...as the last brachas are about chaning the level of worship:

1). Shema be'koleinu (praying).
2). Retzeh Hashem (Service/Prayer being good and Hashem's will)
3). That G-d should restore his presence ( (Yaaros D'vash - paraphrase): Something we must be worthy for and pray for such a level) - clearly, to pray for the level where open communication and sight is possible (including bet hamikdash) is the highest level of "prayer" required and service.

These last 3 brachas of the main component of Shemonei esrei may be put here at the end since they cannot be "fulfilled" untill one (like a tzaddik with the world) is finished. Otherwise, it would only be logical to focus on having higher prayer before you prayed for the other things. And this odd placement is solved by the above question and answer.

I would love to hear thoughts, even if you entirely disagree with every word and wished they hadnt been written.